September + October Mind Dump🦋

CHANGE IS GOOD. NEW BEGINNINGS ARE GOOD.

The only way I can describe this semester - more specifically September + October is that it has felt like one long roller coaster ride hence why the September mind dump is so belated and being combined ... oops; so prepare for quite the life update ahead

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Persistent feelings of loneliness and inadequacy have always been a battle of mine, and have really come out to play this semester. I've grappled with imposter syndrome and the belief that I am responsible for losing all positive aspects of my life during periods of change. At the start of this past summer, I embarked on a deliberate lifestyle change aimed at reshaping my mindset and finding contentment that stemmed from within as opposed to from those around me.

This past summer I learned how to find solitude in my routine by intentionally keeping my circle and responsibilities to a minimum. Most of my time and energy was devoted to my internship. When not at my internship you could find me at the beach. I went into this summer telling everyone this was my entrance into corporate America and the start of my downfall, but it ended up being far from that. My job led me to fall in love with my major which I frequently had doubts about pursuing the last three years. I discovered my passion for social media management and was able to solidify my career goals. I became so motivated and inspired about my career that I was DREADING returning to school and having to start a new routine all by myself this semester. This was something I had been dreading for months, but leaving behind an unexpectedly successful summer made it 10x harder than anticipated. I thought piling on an insane amount of commitments including 19 credits of classes and 3 jobs would suppress the feelings of loneliness that I knew lay ahead. I quickly realized the only one with the power to suppress these feelings was myself.

A line from Emma Chamberlin’s podcast episode“Alone but not Lonely,” that has stuck with me is “I am not lonely this is all my choice. I am choosing to be by myself. I am choosing to do these things by myself.”

• I chose this lifestyle for my own good.

• I chose to be alone.

• I chose to find peace with myself this semester.

• I am not a lonely or selfish person for finding peace.

These are affirmations I have had to remind myself daily over the last few months battling with feelings of guilt, frustration, and an inability to give myself grace.

Embracing this new perspective this past summer triggered a lot of change within myself, more specifically a realignment of my goals and future. At the beginning of this semester, I found myself debating dropping my study abroad plans for next semester. Studying abroad has been a dream of mine since my sophomore year of high school. I have dreamed of leaving my stupid Pennsylvania hometown that I have hated for so long to pursue something bigger and better. Once this long-awaited dream of mine finally started becoming a reality through meetings and a strenuous to-do list, I began to have second thoughts. I am not the same person I was sophomore year of high school when I committed to this dream. I am not even close to the person I was 6 months ago who sat and pressed accept to the application.

For the first time, I've discovered a profound sense of contentment and peace with myself, my routine, and especially the people in front of me. Since the beginning of the summer, my social events and interactions have become very limited. I spent last weekend with my best friends from home and their college friends and family - carving pumpkins, going to the movies, having dinners, and simply enjoying the company of good people and conversation. I find it so special when others bring together people from all areas of their lives. Spending time with my friends from home and their college friends and their families reminded me of the importance of strong relationships and a solid foundation. Spending the majority of my time at home this semester has really grounded me in these relationships.

The achievement of this newfound peace and comfort in my life that I’ve worked so hard to feel over the last 5 months caused me to rethink the decision to move away. I realized moving away to a whole new life might not be what’s best for me anymore. In the wise words of Gabriella Montez, “Plans change and people change.”

For exactly four weeks I grappled with the stress and anxiety this decision was causing me, seeking input from close friends and family. I received drastically contrasting opinions about what others thought was best for me, however, I greatly appreciated people's honesty with me. For a week straight I called a close friend of mine every single day crying over the anxiety this decision was causing me and the toll it was physically taking on me. It escalated to a point where I couldn’t even muster the energy to get out of bed for class for a week. My friend’s advice became clear when I called her crying from the campus quad for the seventh day in a row on a Tuesday afternoon: “If this decision is causing you THIS much stress every day to the point of paralyzation of your daily routine, then you need to seriously reconsider if this experience is worth the sacrifice of your own peace.” WOAH. It took me a minute to fully grasp this statement. The next week, every second was spent in constant internal debate over this decision. SPOILER ALERT… I couldn’t extend my apartment lease or get housing on campus so I was left without a choice BUT to study abroad, however, after lots of reflection and discussion I gained confidence in my logical reasoning with this decision for two main reasons:

1. I recognized the need to push beyond my comfort zone to foster personal growth. I have gotten so comfortable with myself and my routine the last 5 months. I am a firm believer that you need to do things out of your comfort zone to grow. The present moment presented a unique opportunity for growth, and I understood that with age, such opportunities become scarcer. I have a lifetime ahead to find simplicity and solitude, but my youth has a timer. My youth was designed for opportunities like this - to venture beyond my comfort zone.

2. I am in desperate need of a new beginning. I need a clean slate with new people, new places, and new experiences. The person I was 6 months ago is drastically different than the person here right now. I am now more at peace with my identity, I have a clearer vision of my goals and what I want from my life, and I have confidence in my values. I want a chance to reinvent myself in a new environment with new people and places, and this opportunity is perfectly suited for that purpose.

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When faced with making a decision like this, most would probably perceive the answer to be crystal clear and wonder why I would let a decision like this have so much power over my daily life. As someone who is highly sensitive and prone to make decisions based on feeling and emotion over logic, a decision like this is destined to take a toll on my daily life. While I deeply valued the opinions and advice of those close to me and I am grateful to have people in my life to turn to, I ultimately needed to sit with all the input, my own emotions, and the facts presented to make the correct decision for myself.

This past week, I was on my daily walk at home when I had an overwhelming sense of joy and enthusiasm with my decision. For the first time this semester, I genuinely felt excited and assured I made the right decision for myself.

For all my people who struggle with feeling stupidly overly emotional and sensitive about change, let this story serve as a reminder to give yourself grace and room for forgiveness - this quote is for you. It has lived on my home screen this semester and serves as a reminder that you are fully capable of handling change🩵

"Let July be July, Let August be August, and let yourself just be in the uncertainty. You don't have to fix everything. You don't have to solve everything. And you can still find peace and grow in the wild of changing things."

Until next month my beautiful people. Stay grooving and growing🫶