be where your feet are.

If you were to have asked me three months ago where I would be on this exact day, I probably would have said something along the lines of "In Ireland since it's St. Patty's weekend, or maybe I'll be in Paris, or I could be in Spain or the Amalfi Coast, but definitely somewhere in Europe. No doubts."

I went into 2024 with the clearest vision that this blog would turn into a travel diary recording all the countries, cities, and experiences I was having while living in Italy for five months. The funniest part of life is no matter how clear of a vision you have for your future, God has this silly way of twisting it all around in ways you never thought were possible.

The reality is I am sitting on my family room couch in Pennsylvania right now. I am not studying in Italy as I had planned for years. I am not in school back in Maryland either. This vision of my current self would have been so daunting three months ago, but now I simply couldn't imagine my life unfolding in a different way. Sometimes our hearts have the biggest hopes and dreams but our minds and bodies don't have the capacity to handle these experiences. This was a difficult realization to come to terms with. Letting go of the visions I had for myself and sacrificing it all to focus on my mental health has been the most painful yet beautiful journey.

Over the last three months I have truly begun to learn who I am, love myself in ways I didn't know were possible, and heal parts of myself that had been broken and suppressed for years. The cost of this has come with the grief of the person I thought I would be at 20 years old; the experiences I thought I was cut out for being in a silly college girl with all the freedom in the world.

There is a common phrase - "College is the best four years of your life." When I look back on my college experience thus far (3/4 of the way there ;) ), I am overflowed with so much joy and gratitude for the people and experiences God has placed in my life over the last three years. I find it difficult to not get emotional thinking about my highest moments and happiest memories from college trying to comprehend how lucky I got to have everything fall into place.

I also look back on the last three years and can't help but remember my lowest of low moments when life was falling into shambles. My transition into college broke me to the ground trying to fit in. I have experienced so many moments of loneliness and confusion surrounded by the questions "Who am I ?" and "What is my purpose?" With that being said, I would not consider college "the best four years of my life." Taking a leave from college this semester brought along the internal debate of what is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong that has not made these years the best four?

I have contemplated these questions for a while now trying to search for a clear-cut answer. I was listening to a podcast from a girl in a similar situation as me - on a medical leave from college for mental health reasons. This episode helped me piece together that it's more than OKAY to not fit the stereotypical college girl. It's OKAY to not feel a need to engage in the party scene all the time. It's more than OKAY to feel a little out of place during these four years. It's more than OKAY for these years to not be the best four. Besides, I wouldn't want the best four years of my life to happen within the first quarter of my life. ;)

No matter what stage of life you're in - whether you're healing, flourishing, thriving, or just surviving, be where your feet are. Feel the joy. Feel the pain. Feel the growth. After you have acknowledged, embraced, and felt those emotions let them pass and move forward with your head high. Let go of everything not serving you.

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE!